A Beginner’s Guide to Being a Grinch

By Elena and Lily

Ah yes, Christmas. The holiday everyone’s been waiting for and preparing for for the past 4 months. Christmas music, Christmas movies, gift shopping, decorating a tree, there’s been no end to the Christmas preparations. Now, if you’re anything like us, you want to know how you can ruin all of these excessive preparations for tomorrow. Lucky for you, you’ve come to the right place.

Photo by Any Lane on Pexels.com

Look the part

The first thing you have to do is look the part. Dye your hair green, using some of these tips and put on your favorite anti-Christmas outfit. 

If you have any face paint and makeup you’re willing to use, you can be sure to use some of that to make yourself look like the grinch.

Don’t forget, looking the part of the grinch can look different for each grinch. Just make the part go with your grinchy-ness, and don’t forget to make this part be fun! 

Presents?

Buy all of your loved ones copies of the Communist Manifesto and print out data sheets to go along with them describing the consumerism and materialism that surrounds this dreaded holiday. Make sure to get them all ready to give, and stay up late tonight.

Tonight, you’re going to want to wait up until after “Santa” leaves all his presents under the Christmas tree. After that happens, you sneak over, replace all of the gifts with the Communist Manifesto and data sheets, and wait until morning to go and return all of the gifts you’ve already replaced. This way, you make sure those corporations don’t get that cash, and you can instead donate it to charities that actually need that money! Win-win for everyone, except capitalism.

When everyone opens up your gift, give a prepared lecture to go along with the data sheets, and explain to everyone the good you’ve caused by being a grinch. With proper explanation, we promise they’ll understand.

For help with the data sheet and lecture, you are more than welcome to contact us and we’ll give you a helping hand!

The Neighbors

If you want to take your grinch-ness a step further, make extra copies of those data sheets and tape them to all of the doors in your neighborhood. Don’t forget to ring the doorbell!

You could also spend some time during the night taking down as many of your neighbor’s Christmas lights, or at least use an EMP to turn off all the lights. Making your neighborhood go dark for Christmas will be a sure way to turn yourself into the perfect Christmas grinch!

You can also sing the later mentioned Christmas songs louder and louder, to make everyone’s night sleepless and terrible. Feel free to record yourself and blast it through some speakers if needed!

The Tree

Insist upon calling the “Christmas Tree” the “New Year’s Tree” as that is what they are called in many other cultures. Refuse to let anyone turn on the tree, and take off as many of the ornaments as you possibly can.

You want to disassociate the tree with the holiday Christmas as much as possible, as people will definitely consider you a grinch for ruining this part of their favorite holiday as well.

Also make sure to use a fake tree and not contribute to deforestation. If you have a cat or dog, make sure to leave treats on the tree, so your family will have to clean up whatever your pet breaks, as well as potentially the tree itself. That’s sure to ruin Christmas and all the days approaching it. 

Christmas Cookies 

Disclaimer: Parts of this section especially are meant as a joke. For legal reasons, of course. 

Ruining Christmas doesn’t have to end at presents, annoying the neighbors, or the tree!

Bake some cookies for your loved ones! Except, create toothpaste chips you can use to replace any chocolate chips and use salt to replace sugar. Make sure to either under bake them, or to over bake the cookies to make them perfect grinch cookies!

If you want to make the cookies extra grinchy, feel free to decorate them with your worst drawing of a grinch face! Or even better fill the cookie with an image of the dead face of Santa and his reindeers after a terrible Christmas crash. For an even more realistic addition, feel free to use real blood!

Another great addition to Christmas cookies is to add laxatives to the cookies. If you do this, be sure to lock those bathroom doors, and implement cameras to have permanent records of the fear that you will see set into their faces!

Christmas songs

Write your own Christmas song to go along with this wonderful holiday! What makes these songs special isn’t the love you put behind the music, or the beautiful melodies, but how off key you can sing them, and how loudly you can annoy all the Christmas lovers around you. 

Be sure to include everything you hate about this holiday and why, every annoyance you have, and make the song as long as you possibly can. Oh, and don’t forget: you don’t need to assign notes to any of it! Just sing how your heart desires, and as differently every time as you can. 

These songs you write and sing will become the pillar of your holiday. Do not stop singing, as those around you who can’t appreciate the beauty are going to step in and force you to stop. Keep singing your heart out, and don’t forget to sing some of those stats you gave to your friends and family in replacement of their other gifts. 

The T.V.

Hog the T.V. all day. Do not let anyone watch Christmas movies, or at least force them to watch the worst ones. 

If anyone does get around to snatching the T.V., keep singing your Christmas songs you wrote as loudly as you can , to interfere with their watching. Or, you can give your own Christmas play right in front of the T.V. and in everyone’s way. Whatever you do, do not let anyone enjoy any of these atrocious movies, even if that means talking over all of them and explaining each plot hole and everything you dislike about them.

Thank you so much for reading today’s post! If you liked the post, be sure to leave a like and comment down below your favorite way to be a grinch, and if you enjoy our content, don’t forget to follow our blog and subscribe to our rss feed to get notified every time we post! For more content, check out our social media pages linked down below. Especially since we’ve missed so many posts lately due to finals, we decided we’re going to be doing an end-of-the-year posting run, so starting from Christmas all the way up to New Year’s, we will be posting every day. If you have any suggestions of posts you’d like to see on our run, don’t forget to let us know! As always, stay safe these holidays and keep on overachieving!

Follow us on social media:


5 thoughts on “A Beginner’s Guide to Being a Grinch

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s